y1_zh3ng's Xanga

Friday, January 26, 2007

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 17:53:26 GMT

Time to recreate.

I figured that its time to start a new blog. Sure i had my challenges with this one along with my silly times and silly post. But i figure its time to start anew. For one thing, much has happened and changed since i first started.
Time for a new phase - in life, with new thoughts and new inspirations

yi zheng has moved his blogging domain to http://hwayizheng.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 15:39:19 GMT

The first assumption made I in life was about life, life is meant to be happy. Experience has taught me against it actually.

I do wonder why that assumption was made in the first place. Maybe it was in reply to the first question I ask myself, reason for existence.

In my Christian upbringing, I was taught a lot in terms of ‘giving of the self’. Putting death to sin, carnal desires, pursuing things of God (a little Christian ‘language’ being used here) – sacrifice; that one day I might have eternal life in Christ, knowing God the Father who sent his Son.

When life was not about myself but giving to God and other people, it kinda was more straightforward and simple. A life long struggle while still living, an eternity of bliss. Not so much a sacrifice-reward concept, but more of a wilful act in gratitude.

I would say I was content and very fulfilled living life like this. It made life purposeful really. But I wasn’t happy deep down inside. In all my new found ambitions to give myself to serve the community and to be some kind of positive-change agent to humanity, I found very little for me in that picture.

Life was definitely happier when myself was closer to the centre of focus. ‘Do it coz u want to. Bother the people who disagree with you. Care less. Prioritise self-ambition’.

‘Maturity’ told me however that life-for-self can be a very lonely road; sad too, if you choose wrong. You can spend your entire life pursuing something only to discover at the very end of it, it is not what you really wanted.

I really do not have a basis for saying that life isn’t happy. It is just the way I feel towards it. Gratitude and contentment, I have not leant.

I use to wait for things to come by my way. Life’s lottery to me was pretty decent, really. But I decided to be a bitch about it and play a game of discontentment, like take a year off after high school to ‘soul search’. At this point now, I’ve taught myself to want things in life and if it means being nasty to get it, do it.

Maybe, maybe.

I guess the question I am asking myself is ‘existence’. And I don’t think I can understand it, not while I’m still sad. All it is now is just a helpless search for meaning in life. I’ve had my disappointments, some good times, and very messed up emotions. And at the moment, I’m very broken over life.

Life is not happy.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Sun, 29 Oct 2006 18:42:02 GMT

How do you write without an inspiration?
(Since) This is more of a question/indirect statement (indirect statement being:- You can’t write [‘Write’ however being subjective to definition] without inspiration)

Originally what I planned to say next would run along the lines of – “so I’ll just end this right here”. But somehow I realised having a series of ‘statements’ to make is adequate enough reason to blog. I probably have a few which are ‘blog-worthy’. But…

Will get to the ‘but’ in a moment.

Blogging with a reason

Sounds like the theme of a self-help book. We Christians have a popular christian-help book called the ‘Purpose Driven Life’ by Rick Warren, and in also comes in different varieties such as ‘Purpose Driven Church’, ‘Purpose Driven Youth Ministry’ etc, all by the same guy. (Just needed to state that cause its somehow or another related to me)
Importantly however are the new questions provoked in individuals when you throw them the questions, ‘purpose’ and ‘reason’.

Purpose and reason.

I believe utmost significance is derived from only when purpose and reason are kept in focus. IF, you don’t know the reason you live life. By all means, stop the automated everyday motions, stop school, your job, the everyday commitments which you can give up, if it will give you adequate time to sit down and think through life and what it means to you. I’ll highlight the clarification ‘everyday commitments which you CAN give up’. All those fuck ups like unemployed husband bums who are living of their wife’s charity wrought from love while his household is in shambles can fuck off.

Purpose and reason to blog

Talked abit bout this is an earlier post. I’ll add another variable, ‘perspective’. I’ll be succinct. Previously, I used my blog as an outlet to try to express the random emotions in myself. So basically everything was incoherent (or at least hoping that it is less now) My current purpose for blogging will be to blog about things which I want people to read. So the question is, from WHO’S perspective. What I want people to read about me, of what you want to read about me. So we’ll hit some kind of compromise. So once again, if you would please comments, we shall dialogue.

(Perhaps we should also post a discussion on the ‘purpose/reason for comments’. =P)

It is queer/interesting, that for me, most of what I want to blog about – expressing myself to people never actually gets typed out in an orderly, readable format and posted on my xanga blog. The thoughts, the feelings, wild, incoherent, lively, dangerous, jealous, passion, distant, they never find their way to either to my journal, my blog, my conversations. Perhaps some don’t even find their way to myself. I discover I can never fully express myself to everyone. And perhaps some will always remain inconspicuous to myself.

Some people journal their lives down. Etching lines across their journals every night before they sleep or saving their lives in digital language on electronic hardware. (Forgive the IT illiteracy if any). Myself, I gave up on the every-night-journal-for-an-hour-habit pretty fast in highschool(as much as I want to keep record of my life). I settle for random entries into the archives of my handphone (Which I will keep using until I find a more practical and convenient medium/device) perhaps in a language that only I can understand. Myself – the thoughts, the feelings. The only thing I know which is really real.

Last words/comments
i. With regards to my previous mode of blogging. Perhaps my attempts at verbalising my so-called ‘random emotions’ were after all attempts expressing what I want people to read/know bout me. I did a lot of post in that nature because perhaps I was going through a certain phase and I needed that outlet especially so. And yeah, all that is still an important part of me, and you’ll probably see more of that in the future. Fewer though.
ii. When I blog, I shall attempt not to border along the lines of cliché or redundancy.

iii. A hint. I store my life in two places. My occasional personal journal which in inaccessible and my phone. If you want gossip, you just have to look into the right places =)
iv. I didn't get to the 'but' in the end.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 19:01:20 GMT

I found life to be unfair. There's either too little in it for me or too much at stake. Apparently the mechanics which keeps its motions going aren't just about to alter because i seem to have a promblem with it.
Question, life for me, or me for life? The latter would imply that what i feel bout life wouldn't matter at all. I'm subject to things like culture, society, morality, stuff like that. Myself takes second priority if it goes against these 'life scopes'. What happens then if everything bout life goes against what i want? The former, poses a rather interesting question which i must ask myself again because it is very related to the reason why i'm bothering to blog here right now at 3.30am in the morning. IS life for me? Yes and no. Yes, because life is beautiful. Sometimes it explodes in colours, sounds and feelings. In those perfect moments, it seems as if everything about life existed just for me. No, because there are something in life i'll never fully understand. Suffering would be one. Disappointment and failure a second. I mean can get used to my broken emotions and damaged ego. But definitely it doesn't cheer my mood knowing that i will get smack by these bitches in life again, eventually. I mentioned suffering. I don't know what each of us understand by suffering, and how each of our experiences defer from one another. The physical? And the sufferings of the human heart? Death, heartbreak, hopelessness, isolation? I know each of us have experienced suffering. I just never got used to it.
I would say, where i am right now, 18years of age. Either where between 'life for me' and 'me for life'. I find very little for myself inside, outside, between, anywhere. The motions just don't change. Perhaps it wasn't meant to be fair after all. That i have to keep living life, to stop hiding behind the illusions i create to comfort myself and to start showing visible interest in all that i am doing. Just maybe, maybe, amidst all of this 'living' i might be able to find a place for myself.

(the things i write when i shoud be sleeping.... -.-?)

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 17:44:29 GMT

#1 rule for living
Want something in life. If you don't, then teach yourself to.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 17:43:31 GMT

I seem to live life half dreaming, and half awake. I never know when i'll wake up again, or when i'll fall asleep.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 11:28:14 GMT

The thing about sleep....
     It is a beautiful thing really. I would like to compare it with emotions and senses. Life definately would be duller without it. I pretty much forget, how much i really liked to dream alot, (Daydream, the actually 'dream' when sleeping kinda dream - letting the imagination loose) how they seem so a part of me, and sometimes more real and certain than the other things i know. Life, touch, people, myself. I think my mind created what it knew best. Strange though, i realised i didn't know myself.
     And so i sleep, i wake. Somewhere, in between those two moments, i lose myself in my imagination. What's been puzzling me the past few days is i wake up not knowing myself. *pause* before i find myself again. Maybe it is just this juncture of life. I take many directions away from what i'm familiar with. I think i used to know myself, recognise myself. Now it is an unfamiliar person.
     So i do not know who i am at this point of life. All i know is i lost the identity i used to know, in order to find a new one.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 17:30:54 GMT

When taking into consideration becoming a vegetarian :-

#1. Be sure that you don't mind subtituting protein sources like satay, steak, tandoori chicken for stuff like taufu, beans and nuts.
#2. You know terms like ovo-lacto-vegetarian, cause it sounds funky and cause i still want my eggs and dairies.
#3. Making slight alterations to your wardrobe because your pants start to slip
#4. Lunching out less with your meat-eating friends who make weekly trips to KFC
#5. Skipping through the long list in menus for the 'Vegetarian Section' at the end, OR the egg salad sandwich somewhere between the tuna and ham.
#6. Telling the hawkers to hold the meat in the noodles(fishballs too), and getting perhaps extra veg. or mushroom, OR donate the 'in-edibles' to the hungry meat eating things at your table.
#7. Being prepared to answer the same question over and over again, "Why the dramatic change?"

And for previously serious meat-eaters....(eg. yours truly).
#8. The psychological and emotional shock
#9. The constantly nagging "I'm hungry" feeling in the acid/enzyme filled stomach.
#10. Waking up every morning and asking yourself, "What on earth am i getting myself into?"

- Add more to the list by all means!

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 17:01:43 GMT

Whoops, sorry. I got the concept of a blog pretty wrong *grins*. I'm for the whole blog-what-you-want thing and screw the blog-cause-everyone-blogs, cause it makes blogging something like the wear-clothes-because-everyone-wears-clothes kinda thing..........
=P

Anyhow, i think blogging is abit bout telling people what you can't in real life and telling them what they want to hear (it's pathetic, yeah! But hey, conform and be popular). So in the case of my blog, since is basically vague and themeless in general; i'll try to add a few more reader-friendly features and actually talk about myself on a social level So a few tweaks here and there, and whoala! A new face to Hwa Yi Zheng's blog!!

(no guarantees on consistency or anything whatsoever) =]

Friday, September 22, 2006

Fri, 22 Sep 2006 16:41:37 GMT

Question, how do you change the world? To create something good which is lasting?
If anyone ACTUALLY bothers to read my blog, now would be a good time to post a comment, thank you =P