The first assumption made I in life was about life, life is meant to be happy. Experience has taught me against it actually.

I do wonder why that assumption was made in the first place. Maybe it was in reply to the first question I ask myself, reason for existence.

In my Christian upbringing, I was taught a lot in terms of ‘giving of the self’. Putting death to sin, carnal desires, pursuing things of God (a little Christian ‘language’ being used here) – sacrifice; that one day I might have eternal life in Christ, knowing God the Father who sent his Son.

When life was not about myself but giving to God and other people, it kinda was more straightforward and simple. A life long struggle while still living, an eternity of bliss. Not so much a sacrifice-reward concept, but more of a wilful act in gratitude.

I would say I was content and very fulfilled living life like this. It made life purposeful really. But I wasn’t happy deep down inside. In all my new found ambitions to give myself to serve the community and to be some kind of positive-change agent to humanity, I found very little for me in that picture.

Life was definitely happier when myself was closer to the centre of focus. ‘Do it coz u want to. Bother the people who disagree with you. Care less. Prioritise self-ambition’.

‘Maturity’ told me however that life-for-self can be a very lonely road; sad too, if you choose wrong. You can spend your entire life pursuing something only to discover at the very end of it, it is not what you really wanted.

I really do not have a basis for saying that life isn’t happy. It is just the way I feel towards it. Gratitude and contentment, I have not leant.

I use to wait for things to come by my way. Life’s lottery to me was pretty decent, really. But I decided to be a bitch about it and play a game of discontentment, like take a year off after high school to ‘soul search’. At this point now, I’ve taught myself to want things in life and if it means being nasty to get it, do it.

Maybe, maybe.

I guess the question I am asking myself is ‘existence’. And I don’t think I can understand it, not while I’m still sad. All it is now is just a helpless search for meaning in life. I’ve had my disappointments, some good times, and very messed up emotions. And at the moment, I’m very broken over life.

Life is not happy.