I found life to be unfair. There's either too little in it for me or too much at stake. Apparently the mechanics which keeps its motions going aren't just about to alter because i seem to have a promblem with it.
Question, life for me, or me for life? The latter would imply that what i feel bout life wouldn't matter at all. I'm subject to things like culture, society, morality, stuff like that. Myself takes second priority if it goes against these 'life scopes'. What happens then if everything bout life goes against what i want? The former, poses a rather interesting question which i must ask myself again because it is very related to the reason why i'm bothering to blog here right now at 3.30am in the morning. IS life for me? Yes and no. Yes, because life is beautiful. Sometimes it explodes in colours, sounds and feelings. In those perfect moments, it seems as if everything about life existed just for me. No, because there are something in life i'll never fully understand. Suffering would be one. Disappointment and failure a second. I mean can get used to my broken emotions and damaged ego. But definitely it doesn't cheer my mood knowing that i will get smack by these bitches in life again, eventually. I mentioned suffering. I don't know what each of us understand by suffering, and how each of our experiences defer from one another. The physical? And the sufferings of the human heart? Death, heartbreak, hopelessness, isolation? I know each of us have experienced suffering. I just never got used to it.
I would say, where i am right now, 18years of age. Either where between 'life for me' and 'me for life'. I find very little for myself inside, outside, between, anywhere. The motions just don't change. Perhaps it wasn't meant to be fair after all.  That i have to keep living life, to stop hiding behind the illusions i create to comfort myself and to start showing visible interest in all that i am doing. Just maybe, maybe, amidst all of this 'living' i might be able to find a place for myself.

(the things i write when i shoud be sleeping.... -.-?)